Anything You Want...

From an early age it seems to be instilled in most of us that we shouldn't want. Wanting is bad, selfish and to be avoided at all costs, or so we're told at school, at church, and by our parents and elders.

Of course it's important to teach children that everything has a value and some things have to be deserved and earned etc, and you can understand the harassed parent having to tell their child over and over again that they can't have everything. There's nothing worse than trying to do your shopping whilst dragging along a spoilt brat with a bad case of the ‘I wants’, so my mother tells me...

But why do the words 'I want' have such a bad reputation?

 My early experience of asking for what I wanted usually ended with hearing the phrases such as

'I wants get smacked bottoms!' or 'I wants don't get!'

Now, from an education standpoint you might say that this is just a way to teach children that they should ask nicely for things, but from a more negative angle, it programs us very early on, to assume that we can't have what we want.

Most of us carry similar subconscious programming into our adult lives, so that whenever we think about buying or doing something for ourselves, that nagging voice at the back of our minds automatically leaps forwards and tells us we're being naughty or that we shouldn't buy, do or ask for whatever it is.

The result is, that as adults, many of us don't know how to ask for what we want, and certainly don't think we deserve it.

As a clairvoyant, this is a theme I come across rather a lot when giving readings, especially for mums, and women in general. 

Many of us mistake self-care as being selfish, and very often fail to put ourselves first, even when we really need to, much to our own detriment. We seem to hold the mistaken belief that looking after yourself is somehow wrong, when it is actually your most important responsibility.   

Looking after others is fine but how can you possibly look after anybody else if you can't look after yourself?

I only truly began to realise this a few years ago. I was having a particularly difficult time in my life, my relationship with my partner was breaking down and I was unhappy in my job. I unloaded my problems on to a very wise friend of mine, and asked her what I should do?

I argued the point that I should be doing this, and I should be doing that in order to be a good person. I was going around in circles and I had no idea what to do.

My friend Jeanette stopped me in my tracks, by asking me the one question I had avoided.

"Never mind all that Helen, what do you actually want?"

"But that's selfish." I replied

"Helen, it's your life; you're allowed to be selfish!"

It was so obvious, and I'd completely missed the point.

This is your life, your chance to do whatever you want. There's no need to get bogged down in other people's agendas or to be manipulated by their wants, just remember what yours are.

If you don't remember, why not sit down and think of some new ones. Ask yourself what you want; what will make you happy?

Then ask yourself, how do I achieve that?

 Followed by what small but manageable step can I take today towards achieving my goal?

This is a wonderful way to feel positive and more empowered. You can become your own personal life coach, cheering yourself along to better things.

So, tell me what you want, what you really, really want!

The Soul Mate Stigma

The Soul Mate. Ah yes, we've all heard of them haven't we?

Historically this was the phrase used when referring to an intense or meaningful relationship, but what does it actually mean?

Traditionally, we have talked about finding our Soul Mate or  The One as if there were only one person out there for each of us.

Perhaps a few years ago, in times past, when people stayed married for life and divorce was frowned upon, illegal or just didn't happen, that made sense, but in this modern age our beliefs on the subject seem to have conveniently shifted in line with our throw-away culture.

These days, you can't seem to move for Soul Mates. According to modern day spiritual literature, we all have hundreds of soul mates who supposedly come into our lives as friends, partners, lovers etc to teach us lessons and settle karmic  "debts" that we have supposedly accrued during previous lifetimes.

The Soul Mate is no longer the ultimate relationship, oh no. These days, the holy grail is to find your elusive Twin Flame, the ultimate Soul Mate who shares your unique energy signature, the other half of your soul as it were.

Most modern teachers will tell you that the Twin Flame is a terrifying mirror of yourself - the person who is exactly like you and will bring up all your psychological issues for healing, because they have them too.

Others will say they are your exact and equal opposite, although this theory seems to be losing ground, and yet others seem stuck somewhere in the middle between the two theories.

It's all very confusing.

Now whether any of that is true or not, I can't say. Nobody can. But what I have noticed is that many people of a spiritual persuasion seem to get far too caught up in the whole Soul-Mate / Twin Flame drama, and what these relationships should or shouldn't look like, and this affects their own lives as a result. 

I have to admit that I've fallen victim to these very seductive myths in the past myself. We all want the secret keys to love and happiness don't we?

Existing or potential partners are "ranked" based on whether they fit the soul mate or twin flame profile, rather than allowing relationships to develop naturally, and do the work to help them flourish and grow.

Sadly, I've also seen many people using these theories as a convenient get-out when their relationship isn't going so well or even worse as an excuse for their own failure to deal with difficult situations and do the psychological work on themselves in order to move on and be happy.

I once even overheard a spiritual colleague say "Oh I don't think this one is my twin flame after all, I think he's "just" a soul mate!"

I was greatly saddened by this comment. It was as if she were using it as an excuse not to work on the relationship, not to try harder. Perhaps it was the lie she had to tell herself so that she didn't have to admit to herself that she had picked an emotionally unavailable man because she hadn't dealt with her own childhood issues.

The truth is that despite the many websites, authors and teachers who profess to hold all the  information you need to find and keep your  Soul Mate or Twin Flame, (at the right price of course)  none of us, yes that's right, nobody actually knows what the whole, definitive truth is about where we come from or why we are attracted to certain people, who will make us happy and why we have the life experiences that we have.

We have little more than our own observations and conjecture based on our personal experiences, spiritual beliefs or psychological theory.

One thing I can tell you is this. As long as we are incarnated here on earth we cannot begin to understand the complexities of the universe and where our souls come from, what caused the spark of life or why life even exists at all, so why do we try to kid ourselves that we can somehow know it all when it comes to our love lives?

The one thing I have come to know for sure about all this, is that we don't know anything for sure!

In a way, I rather like not knowing. Life would be awful if you knew everything in advance and there was only one person you could be happy with. What if you missed your chance or never found them?!

As a working psychic, I am often asked by people when they will find their soul mate, and I've had a fair few readings myself where I've been told that some person or other was or wasn't my soul mate. I've been bossed around and told who I should or shouldn't be with, and believe me, this wasn't always very helpful!

Whilst sometimes readings can provide useful insight, the truth is that even the psychics themselves don't have all the facts and they can't (or shouldn't) tell you who to choose. That always has to be up to you.

So here's the deal. Labels don't matter, they're not real so don't get hung up on them. In matters of the heart only you know what is right for you, and you should choose to do what you want, not what you think is the right thing, or what somebody else told you was the best choice.

I encourage each and every one of you to take complete responsibility for your life, to make the decisions that make you happy, and to do what you truly want. The decisions must come from your inner knowing, from your heart and represent your truth.

Work on yourself, on your issues (no hiding, we all have them!) and be the best and happiest version of you that you can be. Love freely and unconditionally as much as you can, and enjoy all that this lifetime has to offer. 

Each and every one of us is a perfect and beautiful soul, worthy of unconditional love. Each one of us is a piece of the divine, a piece of God, and should be honoured and treated as the beautiful and precious spiritual being that we are.

We can sit & work out who was or wasn't our "soul mate" or "twin flame" when we finally ascend and get to heaven. Although to be honest, I think I'll have better things to do. 

(Somebody save me a spot next to the champagne fountain!)

For now it really doesn't matter who is, who isn't or who might be twin flame, soul mate or anything else in between.

Let's just Live ... and Love.

Happy Valentine's Day?

February 14th is looming once more.

Every woman I know is acutely aware of this fact, and let's be honest ladies, most of us aren't very happy about it.

Male or female, on Valentine's day, we pretty much all fall into one of three categories:

Category One - The Single Person

Yes, Valentine's day sucks when you're single.  You try to ignore it & pretend that it doesn't bother you that half of society considers you to be some kind of leper worthy of their pity, for one very frustrating day of the year, but it does grate rather doesn't it?  Even for the most secure of singletons, it's at the very least a mild annoyance you could do without.

All the hype and pressure to have a "perfect Valentine's day" isn't great for your self esteem even for the strongest character, and can be downright harmful and cruel to somebody recovering from a difficult breakup or having recently got out of an abusive or toxic relationship.

Category Two - Most people in a Relationship

Valentine's Day will turn out to be a let down, nowhere near as good as the TV promised it would.  Could it be that the adverts lied to us and we fell for it again?!

If you're a woman, the chances are your partner will either forget completely, or buy something naff or worse inappropriate, and then wonder why you aren't ready to leap into bed with them and celebrate their gift-buying prowess. 

If you're a man, the run up to Valentine's day can be a worrying time. Do you get a present for the love in  your life who swears she "doesn't want anything" and risk her wrath if you get the decision wrong?  Do you get the expensive perfume and get told off for wasting money, or a nice practical present and get the scathing talk about "how you just don't understand her"?

Category Three - The "Ideal" Valentine

The Hollywood-style myth shoved down our throats by every TV advert and billboard from mid-January onwards.  The sickly-happy, loved up person in a relationship whose "perfect" partner is going to whisk them off to a romantic getaway for the weekend and ply them with dinner, champagne and strawberries, and all that jazz.

Do these Category Three people really exist? I don't know, perhaps one or two, but I suspect that most of this is for show and the night of "passion" is more likely to involve a poor night's sleep in a lumpy hotel bed and a very unromantic, snoring partner who is too tired to put up much of an impressive performance after all that food and alcohol.

I hate to be cynical, least of all about a subject like love, but let's face it. Valentine's day isn't really about LOVE is it?

When I tried looking up the origins on St Valentine's Day on the trusty Internet, the first thing I came across were references to some long-forgotten Catholic Martyrs who share the 14th February as their feast.  Nothing romantic there.

It seems that Chaucer was the catalyst for St Valentine's Day becoming a "romantic" occasion in the middle ages, although there are also suggestions that there was an ancient Greek festival of fertility around 13th-15th February.

Whilst I'm not going to speculate about where the true origins lie, the fact is that St Valentine's Day has sadly become yet another superficial, vacuous non-event designed to make us spend money, and feel guilty if we don't. And more fool us for falling for it every year.

I'm just as bad, believe me. I want my Validation er... I mean Valentine's card this year just like everybody else!

But isn't that what Valentine's day is to us?  An external validation of our own worth, justified by a card (or cards if you're lucky) and maybe a present from a lover or admirer that shows to the world, and to ourselves, that we are worthy of love?

The sad thing is that we are all worthy of love, but Valentine's Day at it's worst can make you feel like you're really not.

I vote to replace Valentine's Day with a new tradition.  How about a day that helps to remind us of our true worth, a day that reminds us to love ourselves whoever we are. A day that says that each and every one of us really is worthy of love and happiness.

Lets stop looking outside of ourselves for confirmation that we are lovable, and just accept the truth:

You are perfect just the way you are, and you always have been. You are lovable and yes, you do deserve the best in life.

And if after all that you still want a stupid Valentine's card, I'll send you one!

It wasn't meant to be

Ah, those immortal words that we hear so often from well meaning family and friends when we fail to get the job we want, a relationship goes wrong or there's some other upset in our lives.

I have to admit that I really don't like that saying at all.

Not just because I associate it with difficult times in my life, and that makes me feel bad, but because it always feels so horribly disempowering and rather patronising.

"How do you know?!" I want to shout back.  

How do they know indeed?

If somebody else did better than me in a job interview, then that's just what happened on the day. If my partner decided to break up with me, he had his reasons for that. Maybe I did something wrong that I can learn from, or maybe he just had issues that he found he was unable to deal with.

All I know for sure is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. Somebody taking away my power by telling me "it wasn't meant to be" really isn't helpful. It just makes me wonder why I bothered!

I honestly believe that we are very much in control of our own destiny and lines like "it wasn't meant to be" just infuriate me.

It seems to encourage us to give up without a fight, to let go of what we want and accept that we are merely helpless pawns in some cosmic game of chess.

I refuse to give up just because I get knocked back a few times. That's no recipe for success!

Imagine a child trying to take her first steps but falling down and her family saying "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be. You'll never walk!" 

How ridiculous!

I believe this is a friendly universe, we get back what we send out and we are far more in control of our own destiny than society, religion and those in power want us to realise. We are only now beginning to understand the law of attraction and how we directly influence our reality with our thoughts and feelings.

Society puts so much emphasis on what we can't do rather than what we can. I can't help thinking how wrong that is.

I fear that we've become a society of helpless victims, mindless, non-ambitious sheep believing whatever depressing nonsense the media spews at us. Most have become comfortable in mediocrity, and fallen into the trap of believing that they'll never really better themselves. They gave up too easily on their dreams instead of battling on, because they believed it wasn't meant to be.

In truth, the only thing we can't control in life is other people. (OK, and earthquakes, natural disasters etc but you get my point!)

Even so, we can change situations dramatically by changing how we react to other people and how we choose to be and think.

Maybe whatever unpleasant experience you had, actually happened exactly how it WAS meant to be based on the choices you made at the time. There was no failure, just life experience and a chance to do better next time armed with new knowledge. It may even be worth having another go or taking a different approach!

Things happen because of the choices made by the people involved, not by some cruel fate or incontrollable destiny that we are all slaves to.

This may seem to be an unusual opinion to be coming from a working psychic medium. As you may know, I carry out psychic readings and make future predictions for my clients.

People come to me for advice about their lives and a glimpse of their future. I always try to make it very clear that the information I give them is based on current circumstances, and that they can always change things by making different choices. 

Nothing is ever cast in stone. Fact.

So, don't you let anybody tell you what is or isn't meant to be in your life. You make the choices and you alone are in control.

Go get'em tiger!