The Soul Mate Stigma

The Soul Mate. Ah yes, we've all heard of them haven't we?

Historically this was the phrase used when referring to an intense or meaningful relationship, but what does it actually mean?

Traditionally, we have talked about finding our Soul Mate or  The One as if there were only one person out there for each of us.

Perhaps a few years ago, in times past, when people stayed married for life and divorce was frowned upon, illegal or just didn't happen, that made sense, but in this modern age our beliefs on the subject seem to have conveniently shifted in line with our throw-away culture.

These days, you can't seem to move for Soul Mates. According to modern day spiritual literature, we all have hundreds of soul mates who supposedly come into our lives as friends, partners, lovers etc to teach us lessons and settle karmic  "debts" that we have supposedly accrued during previous lifetimes.

The Soul Mate is no longer the ultimate relationship, oh no. These days, the holy grail is to find your elusive Twin Flame, the ultimate Soul Mate who shares your unique energy signature, the other half of your soul as it were.

Most modern teachers will tell you that the Twin Flame is a terrifying mirror of yourself - the person who is exactly like you and will bring up all your psychological issues for healing, because they have them too.

Others will say they are your exact and equal opposite, although this theory seems to be losing ground, and yet others seem stuck somewhere in the middle between the two theories.

It's all very confusing.

Now whether any of that is true or not, I can't say. Nobody can. But what I have noticed is that many people of a spiritual persuasion seem to get far too caught up in the whole Soul-Mate / Twin Flame drama, and what these relationships should or shouldn't look like, and this affects their own lives as a result. 

I have to admit that I've fallen victim to these very seductive myths in the past myself. We all want the secret keys to love and happiness don't we?

Existing or potential partners are "ranked" based on whether they fit the soul mate or twin flame profile, rather than allowing relationships to develop naturally, and do the work to help them flourish and grow.

Sadly, I've also seen many people using these theories as a convenient get-out when their relationship isn't going so well or even worse as an excuse for their own failure to deal with difficult situations and do the psychological work on themselves in order to move on and be happy.

I once even overheard a spiritual colleague say "Oh I don't think this one is my twin flame after all, I think he's "just" a soul mate!"

I was greatly saddened by this comment. It was as if she were using it as an excuse not to work on the relationship, not to try harder. Perhaps it was the lie she had to tell herself so that she didn't have to admit to herself that she had picked an emotionally unavailable man because she hadn't dealt with her own childhood issues.

The truth is that despite the many websites, authors and teachers who profess to hold all the  information you need to find and keep your  Soul Mate or Twin Flame, (at the right price of course)  none of us, yes that's right, nobody actually knows what the whole, definitive truth is about where we come from or why we are attracted to certain people, who will make us happy and why we have the life experiences that we have.

We have little more than our own observations and conjecture based on our personal experiences, spiritual beliefs or psychological theory.

One thing I can tell you is this. As long as we are incarnated here on earth we cannot begin to understand the complexities of the universe and where our souls come from, what caused the spark of life or why life even exists at all, so why do we try to kid ourselves that we can somehow know it all when it comes to our love lives?

The one thing I have come to know for sure about all this, is that we don't know anything for sure!

In a way, I rather like not knowing. Life would be awful if you knew everything in advance and there was only one person you could be happy with. What if you missed your chance or never found them?!

As a working psychic, I am often asked by people when they will find their soul mate, and I've had a fair few readings myself where I've been told that some person or other was or wasn't my soul mate. I've been bossed around and told who I should or shouldn't be with, and believe me, this wasn't always very helpful!

Whilst sometimes readings can provide useful insight, the truth is that even the psychics themselves don't have all the facts and they can't (or shouldn't) tell you who to choose. That always has to be up to you.

So here's the deal. Labels don't matter, they're not real so don't get hung up on them. In matters of the heart only you know what is right for you, and you should choose to do what you want, not what you think is the right thing, or what somebody else told you was the best choice.

I encourage each and every one of you to take complete responsibility for your life, to make the decisions that make you happy, and to do what you truly want. The decisions must come from your inner knowing, from your heart and represent your truth.

Work on yourself, on your issues (no hiding, we all have them!) and be the best and happiest version of you that you can be. Love freely and unconditionally as much as you can, and enjoy all that this lifetime has to offer. 

Each and every one of us is a perfect and beautiful soul, worthy of unconditional love. Each one of us is a piece of the divine, a piece of God, and should be honoured and treated as the beautiful and precious spiritual being that we are.

We can sit & work out who was or wasn't our "soul mate" or "twin flame" when we finally ascend and get to heaven. Although to be honest, I think I'll have better things to do. 

(Somebody save me a spot next to the champagne fountain!)

For now it really doesn't matter who is, who isn't or who might be twin flame, soul mate or anything else in between.

Let's just Live ... and Love.

Happy Valentine's Day?

February 14th is looming once more.

Every woman I know is acutely aware of this fact, and let's be honest ladies, most of us aren't very happy about it.

Male or female, on Valentine's day, we pretty much all fall into one of three categories:

Category One - The Single Person

Yes, Valentine's day sucks when you're single.  You try to ignore it & pretend that it doesn't bother you that half of society considers you to be some kind of leper worthy of their pity, for one very frustrating day of the year, but it does grate rather doesn't it?  Even for the most secure of singletons, it's at the very least a mild annoyance you could do without.

All the hype and pressure to have a "perfect Valentine's day" isn't great for your self esteem even for the strongest character, and can be downright harmful and cruel to somebody recovering from a difficult breakup or having recently got out of an abusive or toxic relationship.

Category Two - Most people in a Relationship

Valentine's Day will turn out to be a let down, nowhere near as good as the TV promised it would.  Could it be that the adverts lied to us and we fell for it again?!

If you're a woman, the chances are your partner will either forget completely, or buy something naff or worse inappropriate, and then wonder why you aren't ready to leap into bed with them and celebrate their gift-buying prowess. 

If you're a man, the run up to Valentine's day can be a worrying time. Do you get a present for the love in  your life who swears she "doesn't want anything" and risk her wrath if you get the decision wrong?  Do you get the expensive perfume and get told off for wasting money, or a nice practical present and get the scathing talk about "how you just don't understand her"?

Category Three - The "Ideal" Valentine

The Hollywood-style myth shoved down our throats by every TV advert and billboard from mid-January onwards.  The sickly-happy, loved up person in a relationship whose "perfect" partner is going to whisk them off to a romantic getaway for the weekend and ply them with dinner, champagne and strawberries, and all that jazz.

Do these Category Three people really exist? I don't know, perhaps one or two, but I suspect that most of this is for show and the night of "passion" is more likely to involve a poor night's sleep in a lumpy hotel bed and a very unromantic, snoring partner who is too tired to put up much of an impressive performance after all that food and alcohol.

I hate to be cynical, least of all about a subject like love, but let's face it. Valentine's day isn't really about LOVE is it?

When I tried looking up the origins on St Valentine's Day on the trusty Internet, the first thing I came across were references to some long-forgotten Catholic Martyrs who share the 14th February as their feast.  Nothing romantic there.

It seems that Chaucer was the catalyst for St Valentine's Day becoming a "romantic" occasion in the middle ages, although there are also suggestions that there was an ancient Greek festival of fertility around 13th-15th February.

Whilst I'm not going to speculate about where the true origins lie, the fact is that St Valentine's Day has sadly become yet another superficial, vacuous non-event designed to make us spend money, and feel guilty if we don't. And more fool us for falling for it every year.

I'm just as bad, believe me. I want my Validation er... I mean Valentine's card this year just like everybody else!

But isn't that what Valentine's day is to us?  An external validation of our own worth, justified by a card (or cards if you're lucky) and maybe a present from a lover or admirer that shows to the world, and to ourselves, that we are worthy of love?

The sad thing is that we are all worthy of love, but Valentine's Day at it's worst can make you feel like you're really not.

I vote to replace Valentine's Day with a new tradition.  How about a day that helps to remind us of our true worth, a day that reminds us to love ourselves whoever we are. A day that says that each and every one of us really is worthy of love and happiness.

Lets stop looking outside of ourselves for confirmation that we are lovable, and just accept the truth:

You are perfect just the way you are, and you always have been. You are lovable and yes, you do deserve the best in life.

And if after all that you still want a stupid Valentine's card, I'll send you one!

It wasn't meant to be

Ah, those immortal words that we hear so often from well meaning family and friends when we fail to get the job we want, a relationship goes wrong or there's some other upset in our lives.

I have to admit that I really don't like that saying at all.

Not just because I associate it with difficult times in my life, and that makes me feel bad, but because it always feels so horribly disempowering and rather patronising.

"How do you know?!" I want to shout back.  

How do they know indeed?

If somebody else did better than me in a job interview, then that's just what happened on the day. If my partner decided to break up with me, he had his reasons for that. Maybe I did something wrong that I can learn from, or maybe he just had issues that he found he was unable to deal with.

All I know for sure is that I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. Somebody taking away my power by telling me "it wasn't meant to be" really isn't helpful. It just makes me wonder why I bothered!

I honestly believe that we are very much in control of our own destiny and lines like "it wasn't meant to be" just infuriate me.

It seems to encourage us to give up without a fight, to let go of what we want and accept that we are merely helpless pawns in some cosmic game of chess.

I refuse to give up just because I get knocked back a few times. That's no recipe for success!

Imagine a child trying to take her first steps but falling down and her family saying "Oh well, it wasn't meant to be. You'll never walk!" 

How ridiculous!

I believe this is a friendly universe, we get back what we send out and we are far more in control of our own destiny than society, religion and those in power want us to realise. We are only now beginning to understand the law of attraction and how we directly influence our reality with our thoughts and feelings.

Society puts so much emphasis on what we can't do rather than what we can. I can't help thinking how wrong that is.

I fear that we've become a society of helpless victims, mindless, non-ambitious sheep believing whatever depressing nonsense the media spews at us. Most have become comfortable in mediocrity, and fallen into the trap of believing that they'll never really better themselves. They gave up too easily on their dreams instead of battling on, because they believed it wasn't meant to be.

In truth, the only thing we can't control in life is other people. (OK, and earthquakes, natural disasters etc but you get my point!)

Even so, we can change situations dramatically by changing how we react to other people and how we choose to be and think.

Maybe whatever unpleasant experience you had, actually happened exactly how it WAS meant to be based on the choices you made at the time. There was no failure, just life experience and a chance to do better next time armed with new knowledge. It may even be worth having another go or taking a different approach!

Things happen because of the choices made by the people involved, not by some cruel fate or incontrollable destiny that we are all slaves to.

This may seem to be an unusual opinion to be coming from a working psychic medium. As you may know, I carry out psychic readings and make future predictions for my clients.

People come to me for advice about their lives and a glimpse of their future. I always try to make it very clear that the information I give them is based on current circumstances, and that they can always change things by making different choices. 

Nothing is ever cast in stone. Fact.

So, don't you let anybody tell you what is or isn't meant to be in your life. You make the choices and you alone are in control.

Go get'em tiger!

Choose Your Value!

If you want other people to treat you with kindness, respect and love, you must first show those things to yourself.

This is something that it took me a long time to learn.  I thought that if I was a nice person, giving to others, always putting myself last like a "good girl" then other people would reciprocate by doing the same things back to me.

Unfortunately, most of the time I was wrong.  I was often taken advantage of, used, abused and generally treated like a doormat.

The truth is that other people will usually treat you in the way that you teach them to, the way that you model for them, by the way that you treat yourself. Put yourself last, and more often than not, others will usually follow suit and put you last too.

Sometimes you really have to blow your own trumpet and be your own biggest cheerleader or others are unlikely to notice who you really are. I know that here in England, this is something many of us really struggle with. It's not considered "polite" to toot your own horn.

I see so many people judging themselves and their self worth based on other people's treatment or opinions of them, or worse the amount of praise they do or don't get.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear.

Other people's opinion of you are none of your business. And more to the point - they're just opinions! They don't mean anything!

How you choose to treat yourself sends a powerful message both to other people and to the universe - which will reflect back whatever energy & thoughts you send out.

If you have thoughts that say "I'm not worthy" or "I'll put myself last because I don't matter" then that's the message you are sending to the universe, and it will obediently align to confirm that for you and create more of the same.

Now don't get me wrong, the universe doesn't hate you and it certainly isn't vindictive. It's actually completely neutral, and it exists to serve you through the law of attraction. It simply mirrors what you think & brings that about in your life. That is all.

It's just as the inimitable Mike Dooley teaches;

"Thoughts become things. Choose the good ones!"

The thoughts that you send out on a daily or hourly  basis create your reality.  I can't stress or repeat this often enough.

So, if you want your life to be different, then you not only have to do things you've never done before, you need to think thoughts you've never had before as well.

We've all had a bad day before now, you know the kind. You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, stub your toe on your dresser, spill coffee down your shirt, get cut up in traffic, arrive for work late, absolutely fuming, argue with a colleague and the day goes from bad to worse!

But your day didn't have to go that way. When you wake up, you can choose your attitude for the day, choose your thoughts, choose to see the good in everything and create a happier reality.

When you stubbed your toe on the dresser, you didn't have to get angry and send those frustrated thoughts out to the universe.

All it did was to send them back to you - hence the coffee down your shirt! Again, you could have stopped the cycle there but you didn't. You got even more frustrated and manifested the situation in your car and so on and so forth.

It's a bit of a slap in the face when this is first pointed out, and I remember feeling pretty stupid at the thought that everything that was happening to me was my own "fault" per se.

"But it's not my fault!" I protested.

And believe me I had a hundred "logical" excuses to back that up too!

These days, I choose to value myself, I'm much better at putting myself first and when I catch myself having a negative or angry thought, I try not to dwell on it, and allow myself to reframe it and move on to better more positive thoughts. I don't let small things get to me like they used to. I choose not to get angry so often. Yes, it is a choice, a habit. You can choose your thoughts. It takes  a little practise, but it can be done.

You are the architect of your life - nobody else is responsible for your happiness, just as you're not responsible for anybody else's. And you couldn't force somebody else to be happy if you tried.

You are a wonderful person, a pure and perfect child of God. So start valuing yourself and set the standard for others so they know how to treat you. The universe will respond in kind by sending you better situations and people that match your new mindset, and you can feel proud that you achieved that - not by chance, but by choice.

Because you chose to value yourself. 

Music and Emotions - what are you manifesting?

Music really is a powerful mood enhancer isn't it?  Filmmakers know this, we all know how a movie can take us on emotional roller-coaster with powerful tunes, haunting melodies - we are like putty in their hands!

But there is so much more to music than simply giving us some good feelings or a scary sound track to enhance the latest slasher film.

Certain music can help you to meditate. We all know how you can get lost in a melody or rhythm, and enter an almost trace-like state of peace and bliss. Music is one of the things that really helps to quieten the ego or monkey mind. The right kind of music can be a great help to those of us working on our psychic abilities and awareness.

What most people don't appreciate however, is that melodies and music are powerful emotional influencers and should be used with caution and discernment. Yes, you read  that right!

Equally, the words of songs are like mantra, or affirmations if you will. What you repeat, you are affirming to yourself, programming your mind to believe, and manifesting as your reality.  Sing a song over and over, especially one that evokes strong emotions, and the universe will start trying to create those affirmations as your reality.

Be careful what you listen to my friends!

You can manifest all kinds of things into your life that you may or may not want, just by listening to certain types of music!

It may be time to rethink how often you listen to that Adele album you just bought. As beautiful as her melodic voice is, do you really want to manifest pain & heartbreak in your life right now? And if you're already suffering, do you really want to prolong the agony?

I know far too many people who spend a lot of time listening to sad love songs, only to experience the same themes manifesting in their own lives. Granted, the songs may resonate with them because they recognise the energy and perhaps it matches their current situation, or reminds them a past break-up, making them feel understood and perhaps bringing about some feelings of camaraderie - after all, misery loves company.

But, a word of warning. If you allow yourself to stay in that energy - guess what you're going to manifest. Yep, that's right. More of the same!

People are often surprised when I say that I'd rather not listen to a certain song because the energy doesn't suit me, being too lamenting or sad, but I have good reason. Those are not feelings I want to manifest in my life! 

I don't want to be sad and I certainly don't want to create any reasons to lament either, thank you very much.

I can look back at my life and see times where I may actually have polluted my own energy with music that was too sad, down, pessimistic or just heartbreaking. And guess what situations I manifested in my life - yes, you've got it. Sadness, pessimism and heartbreak! I wish somebody had warned me...

These days I know better and I stick to positive, uplifting music or calming meditative music depending on what I'm trying to create or achieve.

Remember, music creates thoughts and feelings in you, and your thoughts and feelings create your reality.

Music is like a melodic manifestation of pure emotion, and feelings are the key to manifesting the desires that you dare to dream, and the nightmares you hope to avoid.

So choose what you listen to with care, or that break-up song you like so much may become your reality! 

Bless the Things that Challenge You

I've been having a bit of a crazy time recently, my life has had many challenges, and I'm now having to move house at short notice. 

It's upsetting, because I really wasn't planning to leave my current abode so soon. It's a small but functional studio flat. It's not perfect because my lovely cat Evey has to put up with living indoors, but it worked for us. 

After all the upheaval in my life in the last year and a half, this was my safe place, my bolt hole.

Sadly though, due to unpleasantness from my landlord which is beginning to feel like harassment, this place no longer feels like home. 

I don't like to dwell on negatives, and I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, so instead of letting myself get down about it I decided to look for the blessings instead. 

I made a list so I could reflect on just how lucky I really am:

1. Within 24 hours I managed to find a new place to live, which will cost me less, is nearer to my office and has a garden for Evey to boot. That's nothing short of miraculous! 
2. I feel very grateful for my wonderful friends & colleagues who rallied around me, helped me find my new home, and cheered me up with their love and support. I'm so lucky to have such great people in my life! 
3. I'm moving on to a new place and a new energy which is always good. I love an adventure. 
4. I'm expanding my horizons and my circle of friends. I'm look forward to getting to know my new flat-mate and exploring the very up-and-coming area of Ashley Cross. There are lots of pubs! 

So looking at my list, I'm going to be better off, my cat will be happier and I'm moving away from an unpleasant situation. Not too shabby. I had planned on finding somewhere new this year, but the universe took me by surprise with this one, and really took charge! 

So thank you universe for making my life so difficult that is spurred me into action, making me take the next step of my journey much sooner than I was expecting.

I always remember the words of my life coach at times like these; 

"If you feel uncomfortable, it's because you're growing."

Yes, it's true! Any time we have to step out of our comfort zone, it feels pretty uncomfortable. But only at first. Once our comfort zone has expanded, we are bigger people ready to move on to the next challenge. The feelings of discomfort pass soon enough, and we can get on with enjoying life as an even brighter and grander version of ourselves.

As I see it, you have a choice - you can either view a challenging situation as a problem, or as an opportunity for growth and positive change. 

So, here's to difficulties and challenges - may your life be filled with plenty of them, and may you also have the wisdom to see them for what they truly are - blessings in disguise!

Have a Happy New Year

So here we are again, the start of another brand new year.  The end of 2012 came and went, the earth didn't go up in flames, aliens didn't land and we're all pretty much still here, getting on with it.

Just like every January, this is when the guilt usually begins again.

"I must do such and such this year, I can't believe how much I ate at Christmas and I got so drunk on New Years eve, oh my!"

We look back at all we failed to achieve last year, guiltily make some well-meaning New Years Resolutions to lose weight, sign up for gym membership, try to spend more time with the kids, all without really considering how we'll achieve our goals. Sadly most of us give up after a couple of months and feel like a failure. 

Well here's a thought; maybe it's time to cut yourself some slack for a change instead.

Let me put it this way. Guilt is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Guilt is a pretty negative emotion and not one I would encourage. I'm going to suggest that instead, we could start each new year by counting our blessings, looking around and truly seeing everything we have to be grateful for already.

This could be a simple as being in good health, having a roof over your head and food to eat.  These simple things may not sound like much, but believe me they would suddenly become very important indeed if you didn't have them.

Why not try making a list of all the things you have to be happy and grateful for this January instead of a list of resolutions that you probably wont keep, and will then beat yourself up about later.

Lets start the year happy instead of guilty. If there are things you want to achieve, then pick a time later in the year when the New Years Resolution madness has passed, and sit down to do some proper goal setting.

Make sure there are lots of easy, achievable steps to your goal so you don't get overwhelmed, or better yet, find yourself a life coach (personally I work with the fabulous Jacqueline Fairbrass) who will help you to make small, comfortable changes that fit into your lifestyle.

 You can always join the gym in February if you still really want to. I'm sure it will still be there!

Here's wishing you a Fantastic New Year, one and all. Guilt Free!